Chapter 17

 

Chapter 17: The Revelation

When Dr. Pestilence explained Jenkins's discovery to Emperor Cannibalus, the cosmic entity's reaction was... unexpected.

"FASCINATING," he said, his tentacles writhing in what might have been excitement or indigestion. "SO BY PROVIDING YOU WITH AN AUDIENCE FOR YOUR DYSFUNCTION, I HAVE ACCIDENTALLY CURED YOUR DYSFUNCTION?"

"It appears so, Your Antipulchritude. We're still dysfunctional, but now we're dysfunctional with purpose, structure, and international cooperation."

"AND MARS?"

"Mars is actually thriving too," Dr. Pestilence admitted. "Having their suffering acknowledged and appreciated by cosmic entities has given them a sense of validation they never had. Their depression rates are down, their productivity is up, and Administrator Bleakworth actually smiled last week. It only lasted three seconds, but still."

Cannibalus was quiet for a long moment, processing this information with the sort of cosmic contemplation that typically preceded either enlightenment or interdimensional belching.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?" he finally asked.

"That we've accidentally created a functional society through cosmic voyeurism?"

"MORE THAN THAT. YOU HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET TO CIVILIZATIONAL SUCCESS: HAVING SOMEONE WATCH AND APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORTS, EVEN IF THOSE EFFORTS ARE TERRIBLE."

Dr. Pestilence blinked. "You mean... validation?"

"COSMIC VALIDATION. THE UNIVERSE ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR EXISTENCE AND FINDING IT ENTERTAINING, RATHER THAN IGNORING YOU COMPLETELY."

"So all this time, humanity's problem wasn't that we were self-destructive. Our problem was that we felt ignored by the universe?"

"PRECISELY. MOST CIVILIZATIONS DESTROY THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY FEEL COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT. BUT YOU HAVE BECOME COSMICALLY SIGNIFICANT THROUGH YOUR VERY INSIGNIFICANCE. IT IS... BEAUTIFUL."

President Doom-Harbinger, who had been listening to this conversation through the intercom, entered the room with a thoughtful expression.

"Your Cosmic Hungriness," she said, "I have a question. What happens now? We've accidentally solved humanity's existential crisis by turning it into entertainment. Do we... keep going?"

"OF COURSE YOU KEEP GOING," Cannibalus replied. "BUT NOW YOU UNDERSTAND THE SECRET. YOU ARE NOT JUST PERFORMING DYSFUNCTION - YOU ARE DEMONSTRATING THAT EVEN DYSFUNCTION CAN HAVE PURPOSE, MEANING, AND COSMIC SIGNIFICANCE."

"So we're not just entertainers," Dr. Pestilence realized. "We're... teachers?"

"TEACHERS, ENTERTAINERS, AND PROOF THAT EVEN THE MOST HOPELESS CIVILIZATIONS CAN FIND MEANING IN THEIR HOPELESSNESS."

Jenkins looked up from his note-taking. "Should I add 'Accidentally Became Philosophical Role Models for the Universe' to my memoir?"

"Definitely," Dr. Pestilence replied. "Also add 'Successfully Monetized Existential Dread.'"

_________________________________________________________

Chapter 18

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