Chapter 7

 

Chapter 7: Opening Night

The press conference was held at the Emergency Bunker of Last Resort, because nowhere else had adequate cosmic entity accommodations. Reporters from around the world sat in folding chairs, their expressions ranging from shell-shocked confusion to manic excitement at having the biggest story in human history.

President Doom-Harbinger stepped up to the podium with the confidence of someone who had successfully convinced an interdimensional being to subscribe to humanity's problems. Behind her, Emperor Cannibalus loomed like a cosmic question mark that had developed tentacles and abandonment issues.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and representatives of various news organizations that may or may not still exist after today," she began, "I'm pleased to announce that humanity has successfully negotiated a new phase in our civilizational development."

A reporter from CNN raised her hand. "Madam President, are the rumors true that we've been... hired... by an alien entity?"

"Not hired exactly," President Doom-Harbinger clarified. "We've entered into a mutually beneficial entertainment contract with Emperor Cannibalus the Starveling of the Infinite Realm of the Far Flung Hunger."

The BBC correspondent looked up from his notes. "Could you elaborate on what this 'entertainment contract' entails?"

"Certainly! Humanity will continue doing what we do best - creating innovative forms of existential dread and societal collapse - but now with cosmic oversight and professional recognition."

"PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION IS VERY IMPORTANT," Cannibalus interjected, causing several reporters to faint and one cameraman to convert to Buddhism on the spot. "YOUR SPECIES HAS CLEARLY PUT TREMENDOUS EFFORT INTO PERFECTING THE ART OF SELF-DESTRUCTION. IT WOULD BE A SHAME TO WASTE SUCH TALENT."

A Fox News reporter stood up. "Is this going to affect our current wars and economic policies?"

"Not at all!" President Doom-Harbinger assured him. "In fact, we're now incentivized to be even more creative with our conflicts and financial disasters. His Imperial Appetite has very sophisticated tastes."

"What about the nuclear missiles that were scheduled to launch today?" asked a Reuters journalist.

"Rescheduled for maximum dramatic impact," Secretary of Creative Self-Destruction Timothy Misery announced, stepping up to the microphone. "We're moving to a more theatrical approach. Think of it as 'Apocalypse: The Musical' but with actual apocalypse."

Dr. Pestilence, who had been designated as the official Cosmic Liaison Scientist, fielded the more technical questions. "The important thing to understand is that this arrangement ensures humanity's survival while allowing us to continue our natural evolutionary trajectory toward creative self-annihilation."

"Is it true that other planets are interested in similar arrangements?" a journalist from Al Jazeera asked.

Cannibalus preened. "WORD HAS INDEED SPREAD THROUGHOUT THE COSMIC COMMUNITY. APPARENTLY, THE QUALITY OF DESPAIR PRODUCED BY YOUR SPECIES IS QUITE REMARKABLE. I HAVE RECEIVED SEVERAL INQUIRIES FROM OTHER DIMENSIONAL ENTITIES SEEKING SIMILAR ENTERTAINMENT."

"We're looking into franchising opportunities," President Doom-Harbinger added. "Humanity: The Experience could soon be available throughout the known universe."

The questions continued for two hours, covering everything from tax implications (despair was apparently not deductible) to environmental concerns (cosmic entities were surprisingly eco-conscious about not completely destroying their food sources).

Finally, a young reporter from a local Texas paper raised her hand. "When does all this start?"

"IMMEDIATELY!" Cannibalus announced. "I HAVE PREPARED A COSMIC VIEWING CHAMBER AND INVITED SEVERAL DISTINGUISHED GUESTS FOR OPENING NIGHT. TONIGHT, AT PRECISELY 8 PM CENTRAL TIME, HUMANITY WILL DEBUT ITS FIRST PROFESSIONALLY PRODUCED EXISTENTIAL CRISIS!"

President Doom-Harbinger nodded. "We're starting with what we're calling 'Nuclear Brinksmanship: The Musical.' Three different countries will threaten each other with complete annihilation while dancing to a carefully choreographed routine set to the theme from Jeopardy."

"It's going to be spectacular," General Blastmeyer added. "We've got synchronized missile launches, interpretive dance sequences representing mutual assured destruction, and a finale where everyone almost dies but doesn't quite."

"The artistic vision is really coming together," Secretary Misery agreed. "We're combining humanity's natural talent for creating anxiety with professional theatrical presentation. It's like Broadway, but with actual existential stakes."

As the press conference ended and reporters rushed off to file the strangest stories of their careers, Dr. Pestilence couldn't help but notice that Jenkins was now working on what appeared to be a screenplay adaptation of his memoir.

"Really?" she asked.

"Hollywood called," he explained. "Apparently, 'interdimensional dinner theater' is the hot new genre. They want to option the film rights before someone else makes a competing cosmic horror musical."

Outside the bunker, the world continued its regularly scheduled programming of conflicts, disasters, and general chaos, but now with the added excitement of knowing it was all being professionally reviewed by cosmic entities from beyond human comprehension.

"You know," Dr. Pestilence said to President Doom-Harbinger as they watched the news crews pack up their equipment, "this might actually work."

"Of course it'll work," the President replied. "We're humans. Making things worse while somehow surviving anyway is what we do best."

"I'M GETTING HUNGRY AGAIN," Cannibalus announced. "WHAT TIME IS DINNER?"

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Chapter 8